Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We have started to decorate penises.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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