You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize