The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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