i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
