I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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