Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
