The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
as a side note pls kill me
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
