i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
