and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
