Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
