My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
