I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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