life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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