I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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