So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
