Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize