Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
me + whiskey = a bad person
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
