Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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