I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
