Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
