I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My first STD was from a foam party
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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