you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
