Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
