I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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