Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
