I don't think brook has ever known best
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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