im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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