be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He shit in the fireplace
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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