I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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