im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize