If i could tip my vagina, i would.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
