I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
