yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
