I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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