Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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