just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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