I want to make a zoo with you.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
