omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
