I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
