My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
