is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
