I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I need water and some morals
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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