My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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