Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
