Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
