Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
