I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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