I am midnight drunk by noon
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize