Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
