So drunk, too bad you don't want this
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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