we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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