You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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