Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
