I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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