His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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