Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
