Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
