he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
