I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
