Cold hands, warm shart.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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