my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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