You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
