Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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