I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize